by Brady Roth
Attention freshmen: all of your questions will now be answered.
I am here to enlighten all of you on how to mesmerize any woman in the world.
Although we may seem at a disadvantage by attending an all-male school, I can reassure you that I can attract any young lady with my awesome one-liners and stellar physique.
Not to sound arrogant, but my day-to-day interaction with girls is most likely higher than most.
As we look through the annals of history we see all of the famous men that knew how to get girls, such as Tiger Woods, John F. Kennedy, Brett Favre, Ben Roethlisberger, Arnold Schwarzenegger and last but certainly not least Mr. 42 himself, Bill Clinton.
When we look at these men, there is a glaring similarity they share. This one similarity is that they all were at one point popular figures in society.
This can be applied at St. Thomas, because in order to get girls you have to be the BMOC (Big Man On Campus). There are some crucial steps to becoming the BMOC, such as always wearing a tank top, being jacked and keeping your confidence at a maximum level.
The tank top is the first step because without it no other steps can be completed. The tank top is a gift from the gods because it has a vibe that comes along with it.
When you are wearing a tank top nobody will mess with you, and the girls will flock to you like birds when it is migration season.
An important aspect of the tank top is what is written on it. Whatever is on it must show that you are a chill bro.
Some good examples of possible tank top sayings are: “YOLO” and “No Sleeves can Holster these Guns.”
The next step to becoming the BMOC is being jacked.
If you are so ripped that you cannot fit in between a door frame, then you have succeeded.
Other than that, you need to live in the weight room.
You are not just wearing the tank top for your health; you are wearing it so that people can see that you carry two assault weapons with you at all time.
The last and final step to becoming the BMOC is keeping your confidence at a maximum level. This means that you are the most important person in the room and in all of your decisions.
When you look in the mirror you must tell yourself, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”
Some ways to express yourself as an important person is by always being the loudest in the room, driving faster than anyone on the road, driving the biggest car known to man and always dressing like Scott Disick.
Put this information to work when searching for a Homecoming date. The young ladies will be fawning over you before you can count to two.
Treat your dates with respect. This is a must. Flowers and a fine suit will be sure to impress your date, and remember that deodorant and showers should never be overlooked.
You are all welcome, and I hope that you men are successful in your quest.