Decoding the jargon of lax bros

Lax bros are constantly gaining numbers. Escape is futile. (Photo by Justin Van)
Lax bros are constantly gaining numbers. Escape is futile. (Photo by Justin Van)

Recently, students have reported hearing a new language. No one quite knows what it is, or has ever heard anything like it before. Some sort of strange, ancient or possibly futuristic vernacular.

“So, I was walking down the hall one day and my ears picked up on this strange language, I didn’t know any of the words, but it sounded glorious.”

Riley Bishop, junior

This language is said to be derived from the athletes of a certain field sport, lacrosse to be exact. The sport’s athletes are infamous for going against the grain when it comes to popular culture. They adhere to no fads but the ones they create themselves. So much so that they have created their own form of communication. One that is unlike any other, and only recognized by a clan of only lacrosse brethren.

Among the many lax bros around campus, junior Riley Lam is considered one of the most influential of them out there. He is known for being bilingual, speaking English and “Bro”, a language commonly used among lacrosse players. When asked about his most recent game he responded in this mysterious verbiage.

“I was ripping top ched, and my tilt was mad lit, you know I don’t roll with that low pie.”

Riley Lam, junior lax bro

To those who have no idea what the above sentence meant, worry not young goons, Captain Lam offered an explanation. “So basically top ched pertains to the top portion of the goal, this is where I live obviously. And then tilt is how the helmet is positioned on the head. It should be right at eye level, anything above or below is not acceptable and will be made a mockery of,” Lam said.

Apparently pasteurized milk is popular among those who participate in the sport. Cheddar, swiss, colby jack, provolone, American, and the ever so popular Gouda.

“My personal favorite is cheddar, although there’s nothing like a good American or even a creamy Gouda. Lam said. When the ladies see me ripping top Gouda they instantly flock to me, that’s just how I roll.”

Riley Lam, junior lax bro

“Bottom pie” is also another popular term in the language. “You would have to ask someone else about bottom pie, I only rip top ched,” said Riley Lam.

Apparently bottom pie pertains to the bottom portion of the goal. Most players prefer prime cheese because of undisclosed reasons. “The only way I rip prime Gouda is with my dank spoon. That’s “bro” for the stick, composed of the shaft and the head. I prefer my shaft stiff and my head threaded with a medium pocket for mad cradle control” said Riley.

Lax talk continues to expand, especially with the increase in popularity of the sport.

“So I was slingin some rope and I was rippin’ some low pie, I was kind of off my game, but then this chick walked up and asked me if I wanted some premium cheddar, and I was like “yo how my flow doe?”

Riley Lam, junior lax bro
Simen Borland is a senior at St. Thomas. Besides being writer for The Eagle newspaper he likes to play sports. Baseballs, footballs, and basketballs are among his favorite sports. He is also apart of the world renown Eagle Guard, as seen at any STH football game. Hobbies of his include waterskiing, watching Netflix, and underwater basket weaving. Simen can be seen driving in his black LandCruiser SUV wearing his Costas, while only having fished a handful of times in his life. He plans to attend any college that will accept him.